Funny Sex

Have you ever had funny sex? Not funny like "he drugged me" funny; funny like "haha" funny? Because Brooke and I occasionally do, and while you may think that chuckles and intercourse go together like rainbows and unicorns (weee!), it's actually a bit problematic, as evidenced by what transpired here yesterday. (TMI? Excuse yourself now. That means you, every person I'm related to.)

So Brooke got back from the gym at 7:00 and I was cooking corn. (With sentences like that, you may want to keep a glass of ice water handy for your loins.) Then Brooke said, "Let’s do it. Do you want me to shower first?" Roar! I thought about it for a second and opted for pre-shower because the corn was on.

Fact: When it comes to knockin' boots, plainly acknowledging what's happening is a mistake. Done properly, no one should ever be 100% aware of what they are doing during sex. Or it becomes like a highly choreographed fight scene that just looks fake. Real fights, like real sex, are chaotic messes of scratching, clawing, biting, kicking, and crying. It's never like, "Well, now I should punch you in the face." If you're going to punch your lover in the face, it should always be spontaneous.

The other problem is that this heightened self-awareness inevitably leads to laughter, which while good for the soul is awful for intercourse. After a few moments of awkward chuckles (she was wearing running sneakers), we managed to right the course. We had successfully purged all hints of humor – until I looked up. There on the other side of the bed was Puppy, gently rocking to and fro while staring off into the distance. He looked like a captain manning his ship over rolling seas; the only thing missing was a slight breeze in his fur.

Dramatic re-enactment*

It was an impossible situation. The more I moved, the more he moved. He was too far away for me to swat without Brooke noticing. A decision had to be made, and wanting to avoid yet another interruption I decided to close my eyes and forge through.

Afterwards, I clued Brooke into what had happened and reenacted the hilarious scene for her. But while Brooke's laughter was innocent and genuine, mine was tinged with something far less amusing: The knowledge that the last thing that went through my mind before the end was Puppy gently swaying at the foot of the bed with that wayward, far off look in his eye.

Dramatic re-enactment

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* Any questions on the making of the dramatic reenactment can be emailed to pleasedontaskmethat@redactedblog.com.