The Bachelorette Season Finale Live Blog Starts Tonight (Because It’s Live)

I know Brooke and I dropped the proverbial ball of processed love two weeks ago when we failed to recap the penultimate episode of The Bachelorette. And we’re sorry, but something important came up. It was dinner, and it was delicious. I had the Farfalle. Very fresh.

But tonight we’re not letting food get in the way of our mission: live-blogging the shit out of The Bachelorette season finale, which promises to be (Can you guess? No really, can you? Here’s a hint, it rhymes with “pragmatic.” Yes, that’s right) THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER.

For everyone with a life and a modicum of dignity who hasn’t been keeping up with the show, here’s a brief recap of what happened on the last episode so we’re all on the same page going into tonight.

KIPTYN

With the field down to three, Jillian knows that things were about to get real. Really, really real. Jillian loves Kiptyn’s abs, but needs to know that she can trust him. So the show starts with Jillian and Kiptyn going on a metaphor date at an obstacle course. Perched some 20 feet in the air and secured by only professional-grade harnesses, Jillian and Kiptyn simulate a real-life relationship by tackling a series of problems, difficulties, and tribulations, like a rope bridge and a zip line.

On the final task, Kiptyn coaches Jillian through a particularly tough totem pole exercise by saying, “If we can do this, we can do anything [except achieve world peace or a universal health care system].” Jillian fails and is saved only by her harness, then says, “That is exactly what I needed.”

The Bang Card comes out for a second time, and Jillian manages to make the prospect of sex on a tropical island unimaginably boring. I wouldn’t be surprised if she measures all the guys’ cocks and enters the data into her Who’s Here For The Right Reasons Bachelor Compatibility flowchart.

REID

Reid finally gets to go on a helicopter and is like, “Finally, a helicopter ride.” Every other moment of their date is awkward. Jillian is like, “TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL” and Reid is like, “I FEEL LIKE WELL THE THING IS I’M LIKE YOU KNOW.” He resorts to showing her how much he likes her by spreading his arms as wide as they’ll go and saying, “This much,” and Jillian is so happy because he loves her approximately 5’ 7” worth.

Again, Jillian describes all of the special learning and bonding that should come out of the special Bang Card night and the look on Reid’s face is like, “You mean sex, right?”

ED

Ed surprises Jillian by saying that he flew his parents in to meet her and she gets so excited that Brooke is like, “What the fuck is wrong with her? No one gets that excited about meeting a guy’s parents.”

Meanwhile, Ed is dressed like a 1970’s jogger and he and Jillian go sailing and swimming and making out – a lot. Unfortunately, Ed’s cock is like Checkov’s gun: They’re doing so much dry humping and talking about how special their connection is that you just know somebody’s gun is going to misfire.

Lo and behold, the Bang Card comes out and Jillian is like, “Yes please.” They retire to the fantasy suite and start to rub each other down with oil from many different camera angles. But when it comes time to seal the deal, E.D. lives down to his name and fails to rise to the occasion (KABOOM! Word play overload!)

Or, to put it more tactfully, Ed “couldn’t show her that he’s in love with her with his cock.” Jillian chalks it up to sunburn (?), stress, and exhaustion. Brooke is thoroughly disappointed in Ed.

ROSE CEREMONY

Jillian has a “special chat” with Ed, which I assume goes something like, “Does your cock work?” “Yes, my cock works,” so she keeps him. Kiptyn’s forehead is also relieved to make it through, leaving Reid as the odd man out. Ironically, in the Limo Ride Confessional, Reid perfectly vocalizes how he feels about Jillian, saying “I was falling in love with her” and somewhere Jillian perks up and a tear comes to her eye as she senses someone opening up and finally respecting the process.

TONIGHT

Live blog starts at 8:00 p.m. EST and goes until I say it’s over. Or someone’s heart is broken. Whichever comes first.