The Bachelorette: “Live Blogging!” Sort of.

Hi, it’s Brooke. I’m “live blogging” the Bachelorette. On my own time. See, Dan and I went out and I had a lot of sake. And now I’m writing! So technically it’s not live – cause we’re starting it at 10:30 p.m. But it’s live for me, ya know? Anyhow, the recap is rolling now. Dan is eating Pepperidge Farm cookies, and I am going to write it as I see it.

They’re still recapping, so let me say this: I hate Wes. I hate him. And it’s not because I think he has a girlfriend. I hate Wes cause he’s a giant douchebag. GIANT. “Look at me, I’m distant, but sensitive. I can play songs that suck and think I’m deep. But if you shaved my goatee, I wouldn’t even have a chin. I have no chin! And I’m a loser.” Wes, just so you know, years from now when your music fails and people see you at a bar, drinking Coors Light and humming “They say love don’t come easy,” they’re going to point and laugh and say, “Hey look, the chinless D-bag from the Bachelorette.”

They’re still recapping. I don’t get this. Do they think I forgot who Reid was since last week? It’s only been a week. OK, Dan has permitted me to fast forward. Now, we’re fifteen minutes in. Jillian is walking around to Spanish music. Where did those guitars come from?

Kiptyn

They run and hug each other. Now they’re walking around. I’ve got to be honest, I’m a little bored and thinking that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. There’s no way to dip a cookie in milk while writing. Kiptyn says a proposal is far off and instantly loses the heart of every girl watching. Look, Giant Forehead, if we wanted to dick around with a guy and date for three years, we wouldn’t sign up for reality TV!

Now they’re doing the Pasa Doble, I think. Oh oh , it’s Flamenco. I fell asleep. They’re clapping and walking. Jillian is wearing a leotard. She has small boobies. More clapping. You shouldn't look this stupid in front of your partner for at least three months.

OOOH, a Harry Potter trailer!!!

Jillian talks via voiceover about her biological clock. Now they’re getting on a moped. Kiptyn says “she’s fun and spontaneous,” as though Jillian arranged the moped and not the production assistant. Finally, as Dan would say, Bang card time!!!

Wow! Jillian says no to the bang card (i.e. spending the night together). I am shocked. WHAT?! How is she supposed to know who she wants to marry if she doesn’t see their junk? Is she going to say no to the whole junk parade? I’ve lost all interest.

Reid

She’s with Reid and they’re in a bakery/supermarket. This is my idea of hell. Why would you go grocery shopping on your third date? Save the chores for the slow decline of marriage. The butcher hates them. “Giggly” in English translates to “idiot” in Spanish. I like the flower in her hair. I wonder if it’s a headband or a clip.

Watching Jillian ask Reid how he feels is painful. Reid gives wishy-washy answers – “I’m attracted to you.” “I think you’re funny.” You’re a good person.” Here’s something I’ve learned: If you have to ask a guy how he feels, you are NEVER going to get the answer you want.

And, bang card time! The verdict: No. What?! Honestly, I’m so done with this right now. If this show was real she wouldn’t be trying to look virtuous and virginal for the viewing public. What she would be doing was spending the night with these boys so she could TALK to them without the cameras. And maybe see how it felt to sleep next to each other. And wake up and have to brush your teeth. Does he snore? I mean, you want to get engaged in three weeks and you’ve never slept – just slept – next to each other. What. Ever.

Ed!

They’re on a horse drawn carriage ride. Let me tell you about the time I went on a horse-drawn carriage ride. My college boyfriend Lee came from the farmlands of California to visit me in Manhattan. To show him Central Park, we went on a carriage ride. You know something – horses smell like shit. Literally, cause they shit as they walk. And the whole time you’re thinking, “This should be romantic.” But it’s not. Do you think when Keira Knightley rides around the countryside in a Jane Austen novel she thinks it’s romantic? No, it’s bumpy and dirty and unpleasant. Back to the show:

Jillian is worried that she hasn’t met Ed’s family. This would have been my M.O. if I was on the show (a future plan of mine). I would fake an illness during the family portion so my family couldn’t blow my chances. Or maybe I would rent a family. A well-adjusted Christian family. One of those families that read you Dickens when you’re little, and don’t allow you sugar cereal, and enforce an early curfew.

Oh, they’re having a real conversation: Ed asked if she would move to Chicago. She said yes. Ed says he can see them spending the rest of their lives together. Dan calls this “an emotional cum shot.” Bang card time!! Jillian agrees to spend the night with Ed under the pretense that they need to catch up because he missed a couple episodes. Ed’s a frontrunner.

Wes

I. Just. Can’t. Everything he says is dumb. The first part of their date is awkward, I think. I went to the bathroom. Now it’s dinner time and, oh look!, another Western shirt. I bet he voted for Bush in ’04. She keeps calling him a bad boy. He’s not a bad boy. He’s a little wuss who feels big in his tiny town. He can’t move to Vancouver because he’d have to deal with his insignificance. Also, he said “We should clear the table” twice, instead of “clear the air.” Malapropisms irk me. She’s now crying(!!) and he just said, “I have to look out for numero uno.” Oh, Jillian, if you had any self-respect, you would say, “I’m too good for you. Get out.” Bang card time!! He says, “I think we should.” Really? She doesn’t. Thank god.

Rose Ceremony

While waiting for Jillian to arrive at the ceremony, Wes says, regarding who’s going home: “It’s me. I’ll be back home having lots of sex.” Classy, Wes.

Ed’s first. (He’s gonna win.) Next: Reid. Last: Kiptyn. No surprise. Leaving in the car, Wes says things like: “I made it down to the final four with a girlfriend.” “My acting days are over.” “Those boys couldn’t get a nibble back in Texas.” Hmm. Is a nibble a woman? Or that cow he screws?

Next Week

More of the same – both from the show (“Share your feelings, Kiptyn.”) and from us (“We may live blog! From New York! With a guest star! But probably not!”)