1001 Things I Hate: No. 3

After a man in an elevator told me to smile, I decided to start a series on Dan’s blog called 1001 Things I Hate. 1001 things? Well, yeah. I hate 1000 and 1 things, and I have a list.

Flying

Man, I hate flying. Dan already wrote about the time we taxied for an hour: I woke up from my Klonopin-induced nap right as we took off and shouted “We’re all going to die!” terrifying a young girl next to me. My phobia was jumpstarted in the late 90s by a haunting flight aboard Tower Air (anyone remember Tower Air?). Basically, we were in such bad turbulence that people were in the aisle praying. (Then again, Tower Air went from L.A. to N.Y. to Israel, so maybe the flight wasn’t even that bad.) Since then I’ve required two airport Bloody Marys and a Klonopin to not feel, despite rationally knowing better, that I was surely going to plummet to my death.

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt that level of irrational fear. But it’s basically like your stomach is trying to climb out of your throat and your skin tingles and you get hot and sweaty and then you cry. I’ve tried to find ways to calm myself. But truth be told, my pill/vodka mixture doesn’t actually help. (And here I thought substance abuse was the answer to all my problems. Turns out, it only works on depression and loneliness.) Anyhow, the Rx combo only made me tired. So instead of feeling like I was surely going to plummet to my death, I felt like I was surely going to plummet to my death and I was sleepy. But I’ve since discovered a new anxiety-relieving system: talking to the pilots. See I don’t particularly like being in a car either, but it’s helpful when I can see what’s going on. I know Dan won’t pummel into the divider because I can see the divider and shout instructions if necessary. (He loves that.) So before I fly, I go into the cockpit (hehe) and ask what to expect. The pilot, without fail, makes the same joke: “It’s my first time flying.” (Not funny, dude.) Anyhow, it makes the turbulence less scary when I know it’s coming.

So the last few times I flew I didn’t cry or shake or anything. But whatever, flying still sucks. The recycled air, the teeny bottles of alcohol, the total body dehydration, and how if for just one second you relapse and get scared and perhaps grab the muscular bicep of the man next to you, his girlfriend acts all weird.

#3a: Bitchy flight attendants

Look, I like flight attendants. I like anyone who will bring me booze really. And I respect that it can’t be an easy job, and most people don’t follow instructions. But why is it that there’s always that one super nasty flight attendant? Look, Bitch, my seat back was all the way up. I do not need you to press the button for me and force it up further. And I am turning off my computer. What does it look like I’m doing? They’re like the assistant principals of the sky – drunk with power.

#3b: Long announcements

Wouldn’t it be weird if at a restaurant your waiter read the menu out loud and then introduced you to his fellow waiters? I don’t need you to go through the roster of food and drinks or introduce me to your pals. And pilots, I don’t care what our cruising altitude is, where the crew is based, or the current temperature in New York. Just get me there safely and shut up so I can sink into my drug-induced happy place.

#3c: People who clap when you land

Assholes.

Thing I love: Freshly laundered towels.