The Bachelorette Recap (Vol. 1)

(Obviously this has to happen. You may want it to. You may not. But in reality, the choice isn’t up to you or me. It’s up to the cosmos. And the cosmos fucking loves The Bachelorette.)

LAST WEEK

Last week was a rough one for Jillian. Tanner stopped staring at her feet long enough to blab a secretive warning that some guys in the house weren’t there for the “right reasons” (lack of pride, boredom, etc.) and that some of them may even have (wait for it) GIRLFRIENDS. He may as well have said AIDS, because the idea that someone on the show may like a girl other than Jillian devastated her. She somehow managed to get through the Rose Ceremony and vote off Dave the alcoholic who looked like he was on the verge of date raping her during their last one-on-one time. No surprises there.

DATE #1

Now Jillian is ready to get over last week’s drama by “getting real,” which is confusing because I thought we were on reality television. The first date card goes to Michael, who is 25 and has ADD. The date card reads “Come fly with me” and Michael laments that he has no idea what that means. This leads to much speculation amongst the guys who finally decide that he will be flying somewhere.

WRONG. They go zip-lining and everyone has fun. Away from Jillian, Michael raps poetic on how zip-lining is like love: “You just have to jump.” Brooke adds, “And then you do it,” hopefully not while zip-lining though. They finish up and drink the largest mugs of hot chocolate ever. At dinner, Jillian gets all Nancy Drew and gets Michael to confess that he broke up with his girlfriend only eight months ago. She is satisfied with his answer and gives him a rose and then they kiss like relatives.

GROUP DATE

Being here for “the right reasons” is all anyone can talk about, though no one explains exactly what the right reasons to compete with other men for a Canadian bride on a reality TV show are.

Jillian decides the best way to vet the eight guys on the group date is to go snow mobiling. There’s only nine snow mobiles (wily producers!) so Robbie has to ride on the back of Jillian’s, which makes him look gay. While the two of them are off talking, the rest of the guys are hanging out on their snow mobiles like a White Person Ski Town posse talking about how Robbie is only 25 so he’s too immature (but he’s balding, so it makes him seem older). Meanwhile, Jillian asks Robbie if he is indeed mature enough to make a loving, lifelong commitment at the age of 25 and he responds, “I’m ready to do this.” (Brooke: “That’s so romantic. That’s how I want you to propose to me.”)

Next, Tanner comes over for some one-on-one time. Jillian asks him to reveal the names of the guys who have girlfriends and he responds by telling her to keep her eyes open. She seems satisfied with this and the producers cut to Jillian sitting in the snow with Wes, who not only isn’t there for the right reasons (he’s promoting his country music record) but he also has a girlfriend. Jillian tells Wes how much she adores him and they kiss. Somewhere, the producers laugh.

After taking a shot of whiskey at a randomly assembled ice bar (Canada represent!) Jillian goes on camera to talk more about “wrong reasons.” Her next interrogation is with Kypton. Jillian is so drunk that she’s flirting with both her chins, and all Kypton has to say is that he’s “there for her” and they start making out. Kypton slips her the tongue, but Brooke says it’s okay because they both have big noses.

Next up is Reid, who tells Jillian that she smells good. When she asks like what, he replies, “like snow, flowers, and gasoline.” Jillian asks who the guy is with the girlfriend and Reid deflects by joking that he has four girlfriends and two wives. They make out.

Finally, Nancy drew needs to “find out what’s up with Ed” because he seems down. Ed confesses that his boss called him up and gave him al ultimatum: his job or true love. (Huh, boss?) Ed says he’s “jeopardizing a ton” but he would consider staying if Jillian gave him “indicators.” Naturally, she gives him the date rose as an “indicator.”

Off camera, Jake mentions how it’s not a good time to be without a job. Fucking economy? On The Bachelorette? They are single handedly keeping the helicopter industry afloat.

DATE #2

Jesse’s date card reads “Let’s break the ice.” He guesses either ice skating or ice fishing, indicating that clearly he has never seen the show before. It turns out that they will be landing a jumper plane on a glacier. Jesse calls it a “once in a lifetime opportunity,” which seems about right. (Global warming.)

While flying over the glacier, Jillian calls it the “most romantic view ever.” She should know – she’s been on more helicopter rides than Donald Trump. They land the plane and start racing in the snow. Jesse is intense and knocks her down. I respect that.

Jillian calls all the racing “the coolest thing she’s ever done in her life” meaning that rappelling down the side of an office building like she did in episode three wasn’t nearly as cool as it looked on TV.

Over dinner, Jillian asks her favorite question: “Where do you see yourself at 35?” She is obsessed with the future, like she’s trying to get someone to say “hoarding guns because the world has ended.” Jillian admits that she’s willing to give up her life to move in with her prospective husband. Jesse says he loves her voice. (They are soooo in love.) In the hot tub, Jesse says he wants to “take it to the next level.” He drops the “H” bomb (husband) and gets a rose.

PRE-ROSE CEREMONY

Back to Ed who is struggling with his decision to stay and lose his job or go and lose Jillian. (Note: Ed, you’re a fucking technology consultant, not an astronaut.) Not relishing the unique opportunity to be the first guy ever to break up with a girl who isn’t his girlfriend on a reality TV show where SHE IS IN CHARGE, Ed hurtfully admits that he has to leave. Everyone cries and Jillian does that girl thing where she tells Ed she understands but then goes on camera and says she doesn’t understand.

ROSE CEREMONY

Jillian is dressed like a soap opera character. Since Ed already left, only one other guy will be going home. It’s down to Wes and Mark – the guy Brooke’s keeps on asking “Who’s that?” whenever he’s on screen.

Mark gets axed. On his way out, he says that he’s “been cheated on four times, which is a lot.” That is a lot.

NEXT WEEK

Murder on the Orient Express!

(And not just that, but Brooke will be the one writing it.)