My Dog Food is Like “Yo, What’s Up Bitches?”

On more than one occasion recently, someone has commented on how big Puppy looks. It’s usually said in a cutesy way, like “Well you’re a big one, aren’t you?” but I’m pretty certain that unlike this dog, Puppy hasn’t been buffing up lately, so the implication is clear: They’re calling him fat.

So the other day I decided to read the instructions on his food, wondering if perhaps I’ve been overfeeding him (so Italian of me!). That’s when I saw this:

(Click to enlarge.)

Whoa slow down there, Dog Food Bag! I get that “bitch” means “female dog,” but I had no idea that it was actually used in things like conversations and product instructions. I thought it was like “gay” meaning “happy.” No one is ever like, “Congratulations on the new job! I’m so gay for you!”

Isn’t this one of those cases where maybe you’re taking terminology a little too seriously? I’ve never owned a female dog, but I’d like to think that if I did I wouldn’t then be required to have conversations like this:

Girl: “Aw, what a cute puppy! It is a boy or a girl?”
Me: “She’s a bitch.”
Girl: “Excuse me?”
Me: “Actually, she’s a pregnant bitch right now which makes things a lot more difficult. You have to feed her differently, for one. Then when she has the litter it’ll be interesting to watch her transform into this miraculous lactating bitch. I’m not sure what kinds of changes come along with that, but I bet they’re quite noticeable. Luckily my dog food comes with specific instructions for bitches like her.”

No thanks. I’ll stick with Puppy. He may be fat, but at least he’s not bitchy.