Breaking News: America Nearly Engulfed By Wave of Nostalgia After Michael Jackson Dies

Is it safe to come out yet? Is everything still here? Did someone put the pandas on the ark? Please tell me someone PUT THE PANDAS ON THE ARK!

For a while there I was worried because I saw the movie Deep Impact so I know that when The Big Nostalgia Comet hit, my only chance for survival would be to run to the top of a very large hill. And then I remembered I was in Florida (the topographical equivalent of an English muffin) and was like shit.

So I ripped open my Do Not Open in Case of Doomsday kit, took out the shaker, made a few martinis, and watched an episode of Party Down. Then I woke up this morning and logged onto Facebook, the new national emergency broadcast system, expecting chaos.

But good news, America: We made it! Of course there were still people like:

(Side note: Did that guy just call Michael Jackson his god? I’d hate to get stuck in traffic on that bandwagon.)

But by and large people seem to be back to normal – updating the cosmos about their plans for the weekend, the progress their toddlers are making at growing up, and the annoying neighbors vacuuming upstairs. And I’m not going to pretend to be some sort of cultural bellwether (I watch Dawson’s Creek repeats), but isn’t this how it should be? I mean, it’s all well and good if you prefer to remember the King of Pop version of Michael Jackson and be a bit sad that the guy who once owned MTV is no longer around, but let’s not fill the ether with e-R.I.P.s (they crashed Twitter, for tweet’s sake!) and pretend that the Yikesael Jackson version never existed. Does the Neverland Ranch and Bed Sharing Resort ring a bell? Hanging your baby over a balcony? THIS?

All I’m suggesting is that maybe we should look where we’re moonwalking. And take solace in the fact that even if someone forgot the pandas, we’ve still got the elephants painted like pandas. It’s gonna be okay.

It’s black. It’s white. It’s tough for you.