My What Big Feet You Have

According to reports by a website I’ve never heard of that has the looks of a disreputable source, the legendary Bigfoot has been found in the woods in northern Georgia . . . DEAD.

The press release by Searching for Bigfoot, Inc. (what?) CEO Tom Biscardi reads:

BIGFOOT BODY FOUND

DNA evidence and photo evidence to be presented at a PRESS CONFERENCE to be held on:

Date: Friday, August 15, 2008

Time: From 12Noon-1:00pm

Place: Cabana Hotel-Palo Alto (A Crown Plaza Resort) 4290 El Camino Real, Palo Alto, California, 94306

Naturally, I’m incredulous. Being a man who values science and his own uninformed opinion over news sites with the slogan “Tech, pop and penguins”, I’m going to call bull donkey here. DNA evidence? Palo Alto? A CROWN PLAZA RESORT? Color me skeptical, but if Bigfoot was really found, don’t you think Fox News would be all over this, with some chap in a bow tie arguing with some pantsuited powermom about how this is just a ploy by the liberals to further their bogus claims of alleged global warming?

Of course Searching for Bigfoot, Inc. expected this response, which is why they included details about the creature in their press release for added authenticity:

– The creature is seven feet seven inches tall.

– It weighs over five hundred pounds.

– The creature looks like it is part human and part ape-like.

– It is male.

– It has two arms and two legs, and five fingers on each hand and five toes on each foot.

– The creatures walk upright. (Several of them were sighted on the same day that the body was found.)

Two legs? Well in that case where do I sign up! And I’m sorry, but on the same day that you find and drag out of the jungles of Georgia the body of a real life Bigfoot, you just happen to see several others milling about? What, were they just curious? Like, “Hey, where do you think they’re taking Phil?” No way. In my experience with Sasquatch (which is mainly derived from the hit family film Harry and the Hendersons) if one Sasquatch saw another Sasquatch being hauled off by some humans, he would probably eat them. Or at the very least throw a coconut at their head. They’re very protective of their own, which isn’t surprising; I imagine being make-believe is a pretty exclusive club.

Still, I’m intrigued to see what DNA evidence will be presented at this press conference. Is it man? Is it animal? Is it responsible for the disappearance of Jon Benet Ramsey? Stay tuned to find out!