How I See The World Differently Now Since I Started Watching “Mad Men”

On my way to work the other day, I passed this ridiculous set up in the middle of Broadway.

The life guard, ironically named because this guy needs to get a life before he starts guarding them (hey-oh!), was blowing his whistle and yelling at passers by, whose polite reactions ranged from “Shut up!” to “Asshole.” I’m guessing that probably wasn’t the feedback the ad men were hoping for when they came up with the gimmick to promote Discovery Channel’s 10^th annual Shark Week.

(Note to Madison Avenue: Lifeguard towers stationed on busy sidewalks? Why not monogrammed kicks in the groin, or dead bear cubs perched atop air conditioning units with the slogan: “Heat unbearable?”)

Besides the unsavory ad campaign, I can’t for the life of me understand why they’re still doing Shark Week. I imagine back in 1998 when it started it was a revelation for people who had always wondered about the secret lives of the sea’s majestic rulers. But now with YouTube, you can learn about sharks any time you want.

Talk about hunger pains!

Besides, how much is there to know about sharks? You’re telling me there’s 10 years worth of content? I had Puppy figured out three weeks in – four tops. And even if there is that much fishy information available, what are you going to do with it? The way I see it, the entire reason people watch the Discovery channel is to impress people in everyday situations, like if you happen to be lost in a forest and you think you may have a fever, you can capture a bird and take it’s temperature, explaining to your fellow campers as they look on in astonishment that a bird's normal body temperature is usually 7-8 degrees hotter than a human’s, so if you know the bird’s temperature you can subtract 7 degrees to determine if you have a fever. That’s helpful knowledge. But here the Discovery channel is devoting an entire week to a creature that the vast majority of people will never come into contact with. And if you did have contact with it, are you really going to spout some random facts you learned?

Jason: (while being dragged out to sea by a shark) “Did you know that the shark currently attached to my leg can grow to be over 40 feet lon- blub, blub, blub?”

Of course if you’re Ryan Seacrest throw all that out the window because apparently he was attacked by a shark the other day.

"I thought it was a stick," he said. "I wasn't sure what had happened."

Then, he said, "I saw it swim! He took a bite, and he left."

Seacrest, 33, said the shark's tooth "wasn't a great thing to find. It was like finding a splinter!"

Although he said he was "in pain," the "American Idol" host wasn't hurt too badly, but said he "needed to take an Advil."

Took a bite and left? More like shark weak.