Cocktails & Dreams

• Brooke and I watched Cocktail this weekend as part of our ongoing effort to find out which classic films stand the test of time and which don’t. Sadly, nearly every movie made in the 80’s doesn’t hold up, but in particular this one. It’s not just that the clothes and dialogue are ridiculous; the plot is bizarre. I’ll suspend my disbelief to buy that Cruise learns to be the best bartender in America in a few short weeks, long enough to fall in love with a women after a one-night stand and have his heart so thoroughly broken by his boss that he needs to escape to Jamaica for THREE YEARS. But when his former best friend/bar manager of a few weeks tracks him down in Jamaica and ruins a second relationship of his, and then kills himself, prompting Cruise to reexamine life and marry his ex-girlfriend (of four days) who’s pregnant with his baby, I’ve gotta be like WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TIME/SPACE CONTINUUM?

Oh and this:

That’s awesome. NOW WHERE’S MY VODKA TONIC ASSHOLE.

• The best part of watching it was seeing a commercial for this original reality TV show airing on a channel named TV Land. It’s called “The Cougar” and I’m not gonna lie, I peed my pants a little while watching the commercial.

The voiceover at 2:24 SLAYS me. “Only one young man will prove himself worthy to be with the cougar forever . . .” “Forever” = until the Botox stops taking.

Better Show Idea: Twenty men vie for the affection of an actual cougar.

Dude 1: “She took me back to her cave tonight.”
Dude 2: “Dude!”
Dude 1: “We killed a deer together.”
Dude 2: “I’m so jealous.”

• Speaking of crazy moms, mine’s coming to town. Along with the rest of the family. So I’ll either be very light on posting this week (what else is new, dick?) or I’ll have an entertaining Griswoldesque story to tell every day. Like how they mistakenly plunked in the wrong address in their GPS when coming to our apartment, and my sister called from the ghetto like, “Um, which one of these cute little houses with the metal bars on the windows do you live in?”

• Also, I watched Wall-E last night. And while I wouldn’t recommend it as a kid’s movie (I had to pause and ask Brooke what was going on several times), I will say that the resemblance between Wall-E and Puppy is astounding.

Brooke says she doesn’t see it, but I claim she’s just not looking hard enough with her heart.