Melissa Rycroft Isn’t On Facebook*

Don’t ask me why I Facebooked Melissa Rycroft from The Bachelor (unless you want to hear some half-baked excuse about how she owes me $20 from an underground Texas Hold ‘Em game, and not the real reason which is that I need her to know that MY HEART IS WITH HER), but I had a spare second in between my morning yoga and my lunchtime Van Damme motivational movie clip time, so I did. And low and behold, there she was:

Of course I added her as a friend, because I’ve watched her so much on TV why wouldn’t we be friends? I know she had a breast reduction for Christ’s sake. That’s the kind of shit you only share with close friends (and America).

So I sent her a friend request with the note:

Sorry about Jason. NOT. Dude’s a loser. I would have signed up for The Bachelorette if it was you. I mean, Gillian’s cool, but “again” doesn’t rhyme with “rain” you know?

Clearly she was digging my vibe, because she friended me ASAP. But when I started looking over her profile, it seemed suspicious. First, there’s this note in the sidebar:

That’s SO not Melissa! Then there’s her photos section:

That it? Just those three pictures? No candids from the show? No funny high school photos? No Ty?

What sealed it though was the e-mail attached to the account: cheesewizzz1@gmail.com. I’m sure Melissa likes processed cheese snacks just as much as the next Texas cheerleader (she’s crazy like that!), but enough to make it her e-mail address? I just don’t buy it.

Luckily, though, lots of people do. And they went out of their way to show their support to Melissa by posting on her wall. These are a few of the best messages, if by best you mean crazy.

You can just tell that Jorge is an animal in the sack.


Yes, God and ABC network put you through this voluntary participation reality show to make you stronger. It’s like the time He made me sleep with those two Russians so I would learn that love has no boundaries.


Classic neg right there. Someone’s been watching The Pick Up Artist.


”. . . an insignificant flea who’s gone like a bad dream” is the douchebag.


Q: What’s the one thing you don’t want to bring up when talking to a girl for the first time?
A: AIDS.
Second A: Setting her on fire.


I’M NOT SURE WHAT TO EMPHASIZE SO I DO IT “EVERYWHERE”.


”The?” That’s the correction you want to make to that sentence?


”but not real family. Like family you can doink. Like those fake aunts who are really just friends of your parents.”


”Who the hello” is an instant classic. I can’t wait for someone to piss me off so I can scream in their face, “Who the hello do you think you are!”


I believe Michael Scott said it best . . .


Yes. That’s exactly the right plan. Don’t fall in love and marry someone else. Wait fourteen years until Ty is legal, and then seduce him, get him to propose to you (preferably on a reality TV show), and exact your final revenge on Jason.

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* I promise this will be my last mention of The Bachelor. Unless I spot one of them in person and then I’ll write 1,500 words on how seeing them makes me a better person. Or until the new season starts. Basically, The Bachelor will be the end of this blog.