Five Reasons Why Not Drinking is the Worst

Five days ago, while sipping Bloody Marys, Brooke posed the question “Do you think we drink too much?”

I looked around, and seeing that I wasn’t in a gutter or my mom’s bedroom stealing money from her purse, I answered, “No.” Apparently, I didn’t say it convincingly enough (Was it the vodka dribbling off my chin?), so Brooke issued a challenge: To not have a single alcoholic drink for an entire week, the thought being that this would make us better people.

So here we are, 7,200 minutes later. (I like to think of it in terms of minutes, because it only takes me a minute to open a bottle of wine or pour a cold beer or mix a martini, meaning that literarily any minute now I could have a drink, and the only thing stopping me is the constant force of a mighty and terribly impressive willpower.) Are we better people for it? No. Are we worse people? Not really. But is life worse? Absolutely. Here’s why:

1. It’s not as fun. As many of you know, last night was the second part of “The Bachelor After the Final Rose” special, starring Jason “Whoops, Did I Say Melissa I Meant Molly” Mesnick and Molly “24 Going On 35 Face” Malaney. Normally when Brooke and I sit down to watch The Bachelor with a bottle of wine, we’re totally like Thelma and Louise (I’m Louise), synchronized periods and everything. But last night, we almost forgot to TiVo it. And then when we went back to watch it, we fast-forwarded through at least three quarters of it because it was “boring.” BORING? It’s whores and misogynists and child abuse and temptation and double crossing and IT’S ALL REAL. But most of all it’s meant to be watched drunk.

2. No reward at the end of the workday. According to my father, a hard day’s work is its own reward. DING DONG. Maybe for my dad who builds houses it is. Maybe when he’s done with a hard day’s work and he steps back and there’s a goddamn house in front of him, where a family will live and children will play and grow up to be doctors and astronauts – sure, maybe that’s its own reward. But when you make knock knock boob jokes all day the only reward that’s its own reward is scotch.

3. I’m less cool. Do you know when I was at my least cool? When I was twelve. Is it a coincidence that I also wasn’t drinking when I was twelve? I don’t think so. It is empirically true that drinking makes ordinary things more cool. Imagine going to a cocktail party without the cocktails? What would your excuse be when you forced yourself on the coat girl, that a metal beam fell on your head on the way to the party? That sort of date rape only works in cartoons.

4. You do fewer crazy things.

That bird is totally drunk! And look at how happy he is.

5. It’s not worth it. The following part will be written by my liver.

Yo, I’m Dan’s liver. So da past five days, it’s been like, “Where’s da hooch?” You know, like those old commercials. “Where’s da beef?!” I got a job hea, you know? What am I opposed ta do wit no hooch? Sit hea wit my thumb up my ass? I ain’t even got an ass! Or a thumb! I’m a liver! Anyway, like that black guy in that Tom Cruise movie said: Help me help you.

Apparently my liver is extremely Italian. Nevertheless, it raises some good points. God gave us a liver for a reason. Not using it is like putting your kid up for adoption just because it’s bad at math. But maybe it’s good at science! But probably not because they’re very connected.

BONUS REASON. I can’t write metaphors sober.

One Reason Why Not Drinking May Be Awesome Though If You Believe Everything Europe Says.