Jesus Christ Venereal Disease*

If you haven’t heard about this movie yet, prepare to be spin-kicked in the face by glee.

Writer/director Mabrouk El Mechri (who has worked on a handful of other projects you’ve never heard of) just shattered the Pop Cultural Awareness Scale with J.C.V.D. – the fake story of the real Jean-Claude Van Damme . . . starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. (I’ll give you a second to clean up your brains off the floor.)

Mechri basically created a fictional story about Van Dam based on factual details of his life (fading career, money problems, legal issues) then went out and pitched it to Jean-Claude Van Damme who, in a not-unanticipated twist, needed the money. And while this meta reach around may seem like one big gimmick, just wait until you see the trailer.

Here is a list of three things I have been more excited about in my whole life than the release of this movie:

1. When I first got Nintendo.
2. The second time I had sex.
3. I can’t even think of a third.

I’m not ashamed to say that I love Jean-Claude Van Damme. When I was young, I would go through the weekly TV listings in the Sunday paper and plan which school days I would pretend to be sick in conjunction with what days Bloodsport would be playing on Cinemax. Some of my happiest memories are of me practicing karate moves in my pajamas and hurrying back under the covers on the couch when I heard my mom coming in the room to give me more medicine. I even saw Timecop. Twice.

And now I feel vindicated, like my arbitrary devotion to Jean-Claude Van Damme has been justified – all of it leading up to this moment when I will sit down to watch J.C.V.D. and not one single bit of irony will be wasted on me.

Oh, and it’s release date? November 7^th. MY BIRTHDAY. Or as it will come to be known to future generations, The Most Ass-Kicking Birthday Ever.

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* Me: “We have to see J.C.V.D.”
Brooke: “Jesus Christ Venereal Disease?”

(Pause)

Me: “No, the new Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.”
Brooke: “Oh. Well Jesus Christ Venereal Disease would make a good movie, too.”