I’m Too Smart to Think of That: Gratuity Beads

This is a new segment on my blog where I highlight someone else’s money making idea and instead of pondering the age old question (Why didn’t I think of that?), I spew unwarranted jealousy and bitterness.

Are awesome things happening to you every day, but instead of giving thanks you just take it for granted? Well guess what: You’re going to die.

According to a recent nonscientific study done by someone who wants you to buy their product, being ungrateful can lessen your quality of life by up to 25 percent.

Think about that. Let’s say you’re awesome. You let the dogs out every day, metaphorically speaking. Your quality of life is 100 percent. But then your real dog, the one you don’t actually have to let out because it’s smart enough to use the doggie door, dies after you accidentally close its head in your car door. Your quality of life goes own 10 percent.

And it turns out your local barista witnessed the whole thing, and in her police report she claims you “intentionally shut the door on the dog’s face.” While the police are filing their report, a local news crew happens by and begins filming a segment which makes it onto the 7:00 news. Suddenly your front lawn is overflowing with PETA supporters carrying signs like DOGS HAVE HEADS, TOO. Your quality of life plummets another 15 percent.

The next morning you are called into your boss’s office and fired for all the bad publicity you’ve brought upon the company. That’s minus 30 percent quality of life. Obviously your girlfriend leaves you too, because you have no job, there are PETA protestors living on your lawn, and it was actually her dog you whose head you closed in the car door. There goes another 20 percent.

Add it all up, and your quality of life is down a whopping 75 percent.

So there you are, clinging to a 25 percent quality of life. The only problem is, you’ve never been a appreciative person. You’ve never given thanks. If only you had purchased Gratuity Beads 101. For only $23.99 ($28.43 plus tax and shipping), you could have received a string of 101 glass beads which you could us to count all 100 of your daily blessings (plus “the extra 101st bead to be thankful for the beads themselves”), thus preserving the final 25 percent of your quality of life. But instead, because you never bought the beads, you are a worthless husk of human.

BUT WAIT. It’s not too late. You can still begin to recoup your losses if only you can work past your smug, ungrateful self-centeredness and simply purchase Gratuity Beads 101. In just seven easy steps and one easy payment of $28.43 (velvet carrying pouch included!), Gratuity Beads 101 will unlock the secrets of how to think it’s really great that your turkey sandwich was very delicious and that iced tea is so refreshing on a warm spring day. It won’t be easy, but at this price can you afford not to be thankful you don’t have cancer?

BONUS: They also make for a stylish necklace.