The Best and Worst of the Academy Awards

Every year I try to avoid watching the Oscars on principle, but then I remember that I have no principles. Except “Never trust a man in a hat.”

The least I can do is share my thoughts on the show.

Least Effective Method Of Downplaying Overinflated Importance Of The Academy Awards

What the hell was with bringing out all the past actors’ awards winners and lining them up on stage like The Vagina Monologues? Notwithstanding I fact, I think they should keep this format, but next year instead of bringing out past winners they should bring out five scientists. Like The Woman Who Cured Rabies, and The Guy Who Invented The Robotic Replacement Arm. And it would be like, “Last year, a war veteran came into my hospital with no legs. I fit him with state-of-the-art, composite appendages and this coming Tuesday he will be running in his first marathon. Thank you for totally nailing the crazy Latin lover role.”

My friend John disagrees:

John (11:24:46 AM): i liked the 5 actor thing
John (11:24:55 AM): even if Alan Arkin is insane
Me (11:25:25 AM): i told brooke i would give anything to have christopher walken say something about me.
John (11:27:08 AM): Joseph Daniel Murphy...you're writing is like a Bearcub playing with a soccer ball on a cold winter's night...your performance as a conflicted young man looking for a home in "Bellport to Miami" was superb, and haunted my dreams each night
Me (11:27:32 AM): THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT HIM TO SAY

Good point. But then you also get stuck with moments like . . .

Most Forced Tribute To A Fake Black Man From A Real Black Man

I get that you need a black guy to talk to Robert Downey Jr. about playing a role in black face. I get it. But Cuba Gooding Jr. presenting an award to Robert Downey Jr. is like me presenting Anne Hathaway with the opportunity to bang me. It’s like, “Stop raping me, Cuba.”

Most Extreme Makeoverish Moment

Personally, I don’t think that Milk should have won for best original screenplay since the story is based on real life events. Hardly anything “original” about that. But that’s my cross to bear with the Academy. In the meantime, Dustin Lance Black’s acceptance speech was awesome. It was kind of off-putting at first because you’re all, “Holy shit, real world problems at the Oscars!” but the calm, even-handed way in which he carried himself (whereas I would have been like, “Suck it, Repubs!” while fashioning my trophy as a penis) was truly inspiring.

P.S. I’ll trade you the right to get married for an Oscar on the first major film you’ve ever written and that chiseled jawline. Thanks. (Sorry, Brooke. But we can still share insurance!)

Worst Red Carpet Moment Not Involving Someone Saying “Who Are You Wearing?”

"He doesn't speak English" is the new “Fuck you.”

Best Award Presentation That Makes Me Want To Go To There

Maybe it’s just because you expect it to be so bad that you can hear Tina Fey and Steve Martin pour out a fraction of their comedic talent and think it’s the funniest thing since sliced bread, but I’m not one to squabble. I’ll take my laughs where I can get them, like the Jersey shore.

Least Accurate Observation By A Much More Credible Source Than Me

I saw an article that presented the Most Self-Aware award to Sean Penn’s acceptance speech (where he says, “I do know how hard I make it to appreciate me often.”) WRONG, TVGUIDE.COM. That accolade goes to Kunio Kato, winner for Best Animated Short, whose speech consisted of a long list of terribly mispronounced thank yous, culminating with "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto." GIVE US WHAT WE CAME FOR, KUNIO!

Most Daring Shout Out

I’d like to think that if I ever won an Academy award for Best Actress that my dad would be in the audience and I could share a moment with him like Kate Winslet did when she was like, “Whistle so you know where I am, dad!” and he produced this high-pitched whistle and everyone applauded. Except I’ve never heard my dad whistle (I’m not even sure he can) so it probably would have been like:

Me: “Dad, whistle so I know where you are!”

(silence)

Dad: “I’m over here.”
Me: “Oh.”

Most Predictable Cut To An Ex-Husband And His New Wife

Everyone in the world saw it coming. Literally, everyone. There were old Jewish grandmothers in Israel who were like, “Oye, Jennifer Aniston is bombing so here comes the gratuitous shot of Brad and Angelina!” And this, along with an incredible lack of commitment, is exactly why I could never be an actor. Not that Brooke and I are ever separating, but if she banged some other dude and then divorced me, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have the dignity and grace to present an Academy award approximately 25 feet from her without throwing the statue at her face.

Worst Performance By A Movie About A Vaginally-Birthed Old Man

Every friggin’ time they showed a clip from Benjamin Button I thought, “This is it! This is where everyone will collectively come to their senses and realize that this movie is the most awkward thing ever since that tribute poem I wrote to Oreo cookies in the fifth grade.” Then they show a clip of that young blond girl hitting on a wrinkled Brad Pitt and everyone claps. It’s like WHERE ARE THEY HIDING THE BIG MACHINE THAT IS CONTROLLING YOUR BRAINS SO I CAN SMASH IT AND GET THINGS BACK TO NORMAL.

Most Compelling New Fashion Trend

God bless Mickey Rourke for realizing that life is too short not to give interviews with your hand in your pants. I don’t know why it’s so comfortable; I just know that it is.

Best Moment That Made You Think “Funny ‘Haha’ Or Funny ‘Holocaust’”?

Don’t get me wrong – not only do I think that Seth Rogan and James Franco are really funny, but I pretty much have no filter when it comes to making jokes. (I once referred to it as “more like can’t-cer” to a girl whose mother, you guessed it, had cancer.) But between Hugh Jackman’s opening number and Franco and Rogan stoner-laughing at a scene from The Reader, it’s like, “You remember this movie’s about the holocaust, right?”

Outstanding Performance By A Guy Whose Name, If Mispronounced Properly, Sounds Like My College Nickname*

I’d never really formed an opinion one way or the other on Hugh Jackman, except that he was a dandy of a man and in all likelihood gay. Totally my bad! I have a newfound respect for the guy. The opening number was way better than a comedian’s monologue (because let’s face it, they’re never allowed to make the jokes they really want to make). Bonus points for nearly laughing out loud during the robotic tribute to The Reader, which was brilliant on so many levels that I have to assume the show’s writers only did it because “People usually laugh when they see someone doing the robot.” Plus Hugh scores major points in Brooke’s book for having a mid-to-upper attractive, age-appropriate wife. Kudos, Jacky!

* It’s “Huge, Jacked Man.” Not “Huge Jackman.”