Best New Way to Avoid Talking to People: Facebook Status Updates

I’m not about to make fun of The Notebook, a.k.a The Greatest Love Story Ever Told, but there’s an important part of the film where Rachel McAdams (sigh) goes off to college and Ryan Gosling (sigh) writes her a love letter every single day for an entire year, totaling 365 letters. (Of course Rachel McAdams never gets these letters because her cunt of a mom hides them from her. Sorry, The Notebook gets me worked up.)

Point being that while 365 love letters may be a poignant symbol for a finite expression of infinite love, it’s a pretty impractical way to communicate. Taking into account the lag in travel time, inclement weather, bank holidays, and the general unpredictability of the postal service, those 365 letters, mailed back to back, would probably be delivered within the next 550 days. I mean, you’re writing letters on Sunday, which means that come, say, Wednesday she’ll be receiving two letters in one day – the one from Sunday and the one from Monday. And then you don’t know which to read first, and maybe there’s some sort of chronological reference which, if read out of order, would make all the outpouring of his soul very confusing.

Which is why it’s so much more awesome that these days we have Facebook. So even while Rachel McAdams cunt-whore of a mom (sorry, sorry) might be able to hoard her mail (which is a federal offense, by the way) she couldn’t prevent her from logging on and checking Ryan Gosling’s Facebook status. So it would be like:

And BAM! All the confusion and heartache is totally averted! She never gets engaged, he never shacks up with a common whore, and they both live happily ever after.

Of course, there is something romantic about how the whole thing plays out. Or as Brooke put it: “I wish I had overprotective parents and then you could build me a house and we could do it in the rain.” Well, sure. But how about

Ah, the beguiling dance of seduction.