It’s a grand tradition, perhaps one of my favorites. For a guy who [hearts] TV as much as I do, there’s nothing better than the Emmy Awards – an entire ceremony devoted to handing out trophies for consistent excellence in making my life less and less productive. It’s a beautiful thing.
This year we’re doing it a bit early because tomorrow morning Brooke and I are getting on a plane and heading to
There’s no real rhyme or reason here. I chose categories that interested me, and left off ones that I don’t understand like cinematography. Isn’t that just filming the show? You win an award for filming it? Like “Ugly Betty” filmed the shit out Episode 201? And make no mistake: This is a long post. So chug a Vitamin Water and deal with it.
Upon my return we’ll see how well my predictions went. Last year I went 12-9 with my guesses, but in fairness to me I was drunk a lot that summer. This year we’re striving for perfection . . . and settling for just OK.
Outstanding Casting For A Comedy Series
Californication • Showtime
Curb Your Enthusiasm • HBO
Pushing Daisies • ABC
30 Rock • NBC
Ugly Betty • ABC
Should Win: If you’re not a newcomer to this category, it all comes down to guest stars. And while “Californication” hits every nail on the head (David Duchovney entering sex rehab IRL – touché!), “30 Rock” is like a cumshot of new talent every week.
Will Win: “30 Rock,” if for no other reason than Rip Torn as Don Geiss. Rip Torn – it’s like sentence!
Outstanding Casting For A Drama Series
Brothers & Sisters • ABC
Damages • FX Networks
Friday Night Lights • NBC
Mad Men • AMC
The Tudors • Showtime
Should Win: I couldn’t be more torn between “Friday Night Lights” and “Mad Men.” It’s like they’re two halves of a retarded fetus and I’m a Republican. But if I had to testify before a Congressional hearing, I would go with “Mad Men” for its vast diversity of character. (Lyla, forgive me.)
Will Win: I have a sneaky suspicion “Brothers & Sisters” will take this. It’s got a big cast, and if you don’t think Sally Field has all of
Outstanding Choreography
Dancing With The Stars • Routine: Mambo / “
High School Musical 2 • Routines: “What Time Is It?”, “Fabulous”, “Work This Out”, “I Don’t Dance”, “You Are the Music In Me”, “For One” • Disney Channel
So You Think You Can Dance • Routine: Hummingbird and Flower / “The Chairman’s Waltz” • FOX
So You Think You Can Dance • Routine: Transformers / “Fuego” • FOX
So You Think You Can Dance • Routine: Table / “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)” • FOX
Should Win:
Will Win: Ditto. Because sweet dreams are made of Cat Deeley.
Outstanding Costumes For A Series
Desperate Housewives • In Buddy’s Eyes • ABC
Mad Men • Smoke Gets In Your Eyes (Pilot) • AMC
Pushing Daisies • Pie-Lette • ABC
The Tudors • Episode # 202 • Showtime
Ugly Betty • Bananas For Betty • ABC
Should Win: “Desperate Housewives”? Really? Did their clothes look especially beaten down by the traditional female mores of suburban subculture this year? “Mad Men” is my choice, although something tells me “Ugly Betty” might deserve a shout-out here. “Hey, ugly!” There.
Will Win: “The Tudors.” Much like small children, voters are distracted by shiny things. “Lace! Frills! A plunging neckline in the mid-16th century – how risqué! Wait, what were we voting for again?”
Outstanding Hairstyling For A Single-Camera Series
Desperate Housewives • In Buddy’s Eyes • ABC
Dirty Sexy Money • The Bridge • ABC
Mad Men • Shoot • AMC
Pushing Daisies • Smell Of Success • ABC
Tracey Ullman’s State Of
Ugly Betty • A Nice Day For A Posh Wedding • ABC
Should Win: You know who has awesome hair? Puppy. Which is why you should vote for him in the Puppy of the Month competition I entered him in. (See sidebar for link.) As for this category, it’s like Puppy always says: “(urinates on a tree).”
Will Win: Puppy. Let’s just say, it isn’t exactly ruff competition.
Outstanding Prosthetic Makeup For A Series, Miniseries, Movie Or A Special
Grey’s Anatomy • Forever Young • ABC
John Adams • HBO
Mad Men • Nixon Vs. Kennedy • AMC
Pushing Daisies • Smell Of Success • ABC
Tracey Ullman’s State Of
Should Win: Admit it – at first you couldn’t tell if Peggy was gaining weight in real life or on the show. Then it was like, “OK, it has to be for the show. The producers would have her puking before takes if she was blowing up that fast.”
Will Win: “John Adams.” Didn’t he lose a leg or something? Even if he didn’t, I’m sure someone on the show did, and missing legs are the Frank Sinatra of prosthetic make-up. (?)
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
Monk •
The Office • NBC • Steve Carell as Michael Scott
Pushing Daisies • ABC • Lee Pace as Ned
30 Rock • NBC • Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy
Two And A Half Men • CBS • Charlie Sheen as Charlie Harper
Should Win: First big category, and it ain’t even close. I don’t care how many little kids Alec Baldwin punches (or whatever), Jack Donaghy “once drove a rental car into the
Will Win: Part of me wishes Charlie Sheen would win, just to see Alec Baldwin throw a champagne flute at his head. But I think the voters go safe with Steve Carell – a worthy runner-up.
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
Breaking Bad • AMC • Bryan Cranston as Walt White
Dexter • Showtime • Michael C. Hall as Dexter Morgan
House • FOX • Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House
In Treatment • HBO • Gabriel Byrne as Paul
Mad Men • AMC • Jon Hamm as Don Draper
Should Win: Let’s narrow it down to Hall, Laurie, and
Will Win: Jon Hamm (and cheese). And if he doesn’t accept the award with a cigarette and a glass of rye, I’ll hit someone. Probably a woman.
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
The New Adventures Of Old Christine • CBS • Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Christine Campbell
Samantha Who? • ABC • Christina Applegate as Samantha Newly
30 Rock • NBC • Tina Fey as Liz Lemon
Ugly Betty • ABC •
Weeds • Showtime • Mary-Louise Parker as Nancy Botwin
Should Win: I’m not hanging Tina Fey out to dry; she would be the first to admit that she’s a writer, not an actor. And frankly, Mary-Louise Parker’s blasé, frappacino-sipping, alt-sexy routine has gotten old. That leaves us with Samantha who? No really – I’m asking. What the hell is Samantha Who? Oh, let’s just give it to her.
Will Win:
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series
Brothers & Sisters • ABC • Sally Field as Nora Holden-Walker
The Closer • TNT • Kyra Sedgwick as Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson
Damages • FX Networks • Glenn Close as Patty Hewes
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit • NBC • Mariska Hargitay as Olivia Benson
Saving Grace • TNT • Holly Hunter as Grace Hanadarko
Should Win: Another year, another weak crop. I heard Glenn Close was pretty awesome old in “Damages,” but if I have to choose I’ll go with Mariska. She could make me her special victim any day.
Will Win: Gidget has this locked up. As an aside, funny how no women from “Mad Men” are nominated, isn’t it? Talk about life imitating art! (If only I hung out on artsy college campuses, I could get laid for making incisive socio-artistic commentary like that.)
Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Entourage • HBO • Jeremy Piven as Ari Gold
Entourage • HBO • Kevin Dillon as Johnny Drama
How I Met Your Mother • Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson
The Office • NBC • Rainn Wilson as Dwight Schrute
Two And A Half Men • CBS • Jon Cryer as Alan Harper
Should Win: I couldn’t be more empathic in saying that Neil Patrick Harris deserves this award. I watch all of these shows (except “Two and a Half Men” because I’m over the age of retarded), and he routinely outshines them all – and not just because he is gay.
Will Win: He lost out to Jeremy Piven last year (vomers, which is my new girly word for vomit), but I’m calling Harris to be the dark stallion to win it all this year.
Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
Damages • FX Networks • Ted Danson as Arthur Frobisher
Damages • FX Networks • Zeljko Ivanek as Ray Fiske
Lost • ABC • Michael Emerson as Ben
Mad Men • AMC • John Slattery as Roger Sterling
Should Win: As much as I teabag “Mad Men,” Slattery doesn’t take home the chauvinist pie here. Call me populist, but Michael Emerson has officially reached “I can’t name my kid Ben because of ‘Lost’” territory. And that’s special.
Will Win: Voters love a comeback story, and Ted Danson is it. Also, it doesn’t hurt that he’s finally aged properly. For a while there he looked like the in-between sequence of the guy rapidly aging at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – meltyish.
Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
Pushing Daisies • ABC • Kristin Chenoweth as Olive Snook
Samantha Who? • ABC • Jean Smart as
Saturday Night Live • NBC • Amy Poehler, Performer
Two And A Half Men • CBS •
Ugly Betty • ABC • Vanessa Williams as Wilhelmina Slater
Two And A Half Men • ABC • Chair as Itself
Should Win: Seriously, Samantha who? And how does Amy Poehler sneak in there. They couldn’t come up with a fifth? I seem to remember this chair on “Two and a Half Men” that Charlie Sheen kept tripping over. It was hilarious! It looked kind of feminine. In fact, I’ll write it in.
Will Win: I could either say Kristin Chenoweth, or I could just throw darts at the screen. But the last time I did that Dell said something about “that not being covered under the warranty.” As though you’re supposed to pick out which porn to watch by reading the descriptions. Yeah, right!
Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
Brothers & Sisters • ABC • Rachel Griffiths as Sarah Walker-Whedon
Grey’s Anatomy • ABC • Chandra Wilson as Dr. Miranda Bailey
Grey’s Anatomy • ABC • Sandra Oh as Cristina Yang
In Treatment • HBO • Dianne Wiest as Dr. Gina Toll
Should Win: Everyone on “Friday Night Lights” with a vagina deserves this award more. I mean, I’ve actually contacted scientists in
Will Win: Is Chandra Wilson the angry, black nurse with a heart of gold? Then yeah, her.
Outstanding Host For A Reality Or Reality-Competition Program
American Idol • FOX • Ryan Seacrest, Host
Dancing With The Stars • ABC • Tom Bergeron, Host
Deal Or No Deal • NBC • Howie Mandel, Host
Project Runway • Bravo • Heidi Klum, Host
Survivor • CBS • Jeff Probst, Host
Outstanding Comedy Series
Curb Your Enthusiasm • HBO
Entourage • HBO
The Office • NBC
30 Rock • NBC
Two And A Half Men • CBS
Should Win: Don’t get me wrong – these are four good shows. But I think “Curb” isn’t winning any votes with awkward-situation based humor (“Why would he hand me a towel in the bathroom? I can get my own towel! It’s right there, I’ll just pick it up!”) and I think “Entourage” may suffer from the fact that I’m pretty sure they just replayed season two over again. And “The Office” missed its window of opportunity when its cast members started making movies. “30 Rock” it is. (That’s called logical deduction, btw, and they use it at Harvard.)
Will Win: “The Office.” It’s just a gut feeling, much like constipation.
Outstanding Drama Series
Damages • FX Networks
Dexter • Showtime
House • FOX
Lost • ABC
Mad Men • AMC
Should Win: I’m happy “Mad Men” is here, but this is official write-in territory. “Friday Night Lights” is just hickory-smoked goodness through and through. Even Puppy likes it, and he hates football. Oh, I’m sorry Puppy – American football. Fucking Brit.
Will Win: I know what you’re thinking. “Why don’t you just drop a qualude in Mad Men’s drink and take it ‘across the street’ for ‘dessert’ if you love it so much?” But the important thing here is, do you know where I can get some qualudes?
Outstanding Nonfiction Series
American Masters • PBS
Biography • Biography Channel
Deadliest Catch • Discovery Channel
Inside The Actors Studio • Bravo
This American Life • Showtime
Should Win: They may as well call this category “Things You Ought To Be Watching But Aren’t Because There’s No Chance Of Partial Nudity.” But “Deadliest Catch” sounds interesting. Coincidentally, that’s what I called my early-20’s sex life. Zing!
Will Win: “This American Life.” It’s an election year.
Outstanding Reality Program
Antiques Roadshow • PBS
Dirty Jobs • Discovery Channel
Extreme Makeover Home Edition • ABC
Intervention • A&E
Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List • Bravo
Should Win: Have you ever watched “Intervention”? It’s like setting up a couch outside your neighbor’s window – if you live in a meth-fueled trailer park. In other words, it’s awesome.
Will Win: It finally looks like the year for “Extreme Makeover Home Edition.” But they’ve totally been pandering for it. I heard this past season they built a house for a pack of orphans who were raised in the wild by wolves, and made the entire home wolf-friendly so they could live together in harmony. The only problem was when they moved the bus, the wolves chased it down the street. Ungrateful bastards.
Outstanding Stunt Coordination
Criminal Minds • Tabula Rasa • CBS
CSI: NY • Playing With Matches • CBS
NCIS • Requiem • CBS
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles • Gnothi Seauton • FOX
Should Win: Why isn’t “Two and a Half Men” nominated for this one? I would think the cast would need expertly coordinated stunts to avoid getting hit by all the zinging punch lines!
Will Win: “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” actually has movie-quality stunts. There was one scene where they made it look as though the female terminator was beating up a man. Can you believe it? A man! (I think “Mad Men” is getting to me.)
Outstanding Writing For A Comedy Series
Flight Of The Conchords • Yoko • HBO
The Office • Dinner Party • NBC
Pushing Daisies • Pie-Lette • ABC
30 Rock • Rosemary’s Baby • NBC
30 Rock • Cooter • NBC
Should Win: I know the Dinner Party episodes got a ton of buzz, but is it just me or was it more uncomfortable than funny? (It’s no Deposition, that’s for sure.) So Cooter is the big winner. (Side note: Yeah it is.)
Will Win: The Dinner Party wins, because most of the voters are older and love dinner parties. Especially when someone makes cornbread. What is it about cornbread? It’s just so delicious.
Outstanding Writing For A Drama Series
Battlestar Galactica • Six Of One • Sci Fi Channel
Damages • Pilot • FX Networks
Mad Men • Smoke Gets In Your Eyes (Pilot) • AMC
Mad Men • The Wheel • AMC
The Wire • 30 • HBO
Should Win: Me and “Mad Men” are having a special moment over here. It’s like one of those heartwarming rom-coms about a pair of friends who discover that, wait . . . I think . . . I do! I do love that bigoted, sexist son of a bitch!
Will Win: Can they really honor “The Wire” posthumously with a dinky Outstanding Writing award? I think they can try. I also think that I’ve developed varicose veins from sitting here so long writing this post. On the bright side, maybe now I can get a role on “Desperate Housewives."
Outstanding Special Class – Not-Exclusively-Made-For-Television Variety, Music, Comedy Event Programs
Eric Clapton Crossroads Guitar Festival
Should Win: Uh.
Will Win: Hmm. (At least I know I got one right.)
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