Fun With Committed Relationships, No. 347

Here’s something people don’t tell you when you move in with your girlfriend: If you spend more than five minutes in the bathroom, when you come out sometimes she’ll ask, “Is everything OK?” It’s startling because you want to respond, “Yeah, everything’s great now,” but that implies a back story about you taking a poop vis a vis a process that maybe took a bit more time and energy than you initially anticipated. And the question (however misguided it may be) is borne out of a general concern, so you can’t really get angry about it.

Although you have to wonder what kind of answer they’re expecting. Do they think that something different happens for guys in the bathroom? Or that we don’t know what to do once we’re alone in there, or how to handle a tricky situation that may arise? Like:

Her: “Is everything OK?”
Him: “No! You should have seen it. I took a poop, right? And it’s kind of big so I decide that I need to flush once now, and once after I wipe. But then I flush and the toilet clogs! Even without paper! So there I am, standing with my pants around my ankles, a wad of toilet paper in one hand and the plunger in the other, only problem being my natural instinct is to wipe first, but then I’d have nowhere to put it, so at this point I’m really confused . . .”

Conclusion: Better to just silently nod and carry your book back to your desk.