Bigfoot Found! – UPDATE!

In case anyone was wondering whatever happened with the groundbreaking discovery of Bigfoot last week, and the subsequent press conference to disclose the results of DNA testing to prove that the beast in the freezer was, in fact, a Sasquatch . . . well, you’ll never guess how this one ended. If you’re retarded.

According to the New York Times:

Results from tests on genetic material from alleged remains of Bigfoot, made public at a news conference in Palo Alto held after the claimed discovery swept the Internet, failed to prove the existence of the mythical half-ape and half-human creature . . . One of the two samples of DNA said to prove the existence of the Bigfoot came from a human and the other was 96 percent from an opossum, said Curt Nelson, a scientist at the University of Minnesota who performed the analysis.

THIS IS AMAZING NEWS TO ME! I was all ready to board a plant to Georgia (the state where the Sasquatch live, not the war torn country; that would be silly), bringing with me all sorts of raw meat and gadgets covered in tin foil for tracking down a furry beast of my own. And I was willing to pay these guys the $499 they were asking for to lead me on the groundbreaking expedition! But now this!!!

Seriously though, someone needs to tell these pranksters that a good hoax involves thinking ahead. Sending a vial full of possum DNA to the lab doesn’t exactly buy you time to plan your next move.